tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 5, 2009 12:05am-1:05am EDT
finally, a note from the world of entertainer. "american idol" judge paula abdul wrote on her twitter page that see -- she will not return for season nine of the show. she told me that in an april interview she did hope to be back. abdul thanked her fans and said she'll miss nurturing young talent who will simon pick on now? that's our report for tonight. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, and this is the brand new madden nfl 10. this year madden has a new feature called pro-tak. a brand new, game-changing animation technology. now, the play isn't over until the whistle blows. which means you can make steerable tackles, have pileups with up to nine players and control a brand new blocking system. so each play lets you feel what it's like to fight for every yard. madden nfl 10 doesn't come out
until august 14, but we're giving one away to a lucky pedestrian tonight. who was hopefully listening to everything i said, because he/she is about to be quizzed. cousin sal is outside. hello, cousin sal. >> how are you? >> how are you? good. who is this gentleman we have this us? >> this is stevie. you know stevie? >> no, i don't know stevie. where you from? >> stockton, california. >> what do you do for a living? >> right now i'm unemployed. >> you're what? >> i'm unemployed. >> there's no d in front of the word. okay. stevie, did you hear everything i said about madden nfl 10? >> yes, sir. >> if you answer correctly you get an advanced copy, but if you get it wrong my cousin sal gets to permanently glue this rainbow wig to your head.
>> all right. >> with the new pro-tak feature t pileup can have how many players? >> nine. >> nine is absolutely right. wow. >> sorry, sal, i don't know what to tell you. sorry. all right. well, somebody got it anyway. >> madden nfl 10. fight for every yard. in stores friday, august 14. >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with music from the script and ashton kutcher, and jake byrd at the jackson custody trial. it's the ideal learning environment because of that,
that intimacy; it's very personal. to be able to communicate directly with your teacher instead of being in a class of 300 makes all the difference in the world. there's math lab, there's writing lab, there's just so many resources available to you. it gives you real world experience; i have the information directly from people who are working in the field. you get experience and knowledge from people who are all across the nation. - my name is adam. - deanna. tavares and i am a phoenix. would you hang out with your mother in law? what would you do .now that is has... a thicker, more chocolatey shell? right there. i got it. ♪ what would you do-oo-oo for a klondike bar? ♪
with cleto and the cletones. and now, can you believe it, here's jimmy kimmel! captions paid for by abc, inc. hi, everyone. i'm the host of the show. my name is jimmy, and i'm here to excite your minds and warm your hearts, so get them ready, i get. the big news around these parts, an earthquake measuring 6.9 on the richter scale hit the baja area. it was felt as far away as san
diego. fortunately, no one was hurt. it did break out a dozen pin janas. when i say that 6.9, that's our measurement. in mexico, thai don't use the richter scale. they use something called the guillermometer. here's how it works. you can see. we've got a guy, there's guillermo. >> and when he feels shaking, he's able to measure it. >> cuatro -- >> 4.7. according to how much his margaritas sloshes around. that's a pretty good -- >> ay yi yi. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> oh, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> there's the one we pray never happens. >> yeah. >> can i get another one? >> guillermo's life.
i want to wish happy birthday to barack obama. the president turned 48 years, if he was ever really born, that is. i guess on that defends if you believe his birth certificate or not, but his birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. as you know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, his mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was forced to give birth in a manger. [ laughter ] but it all worked out. do you know this is an interesting birthday fact, do you know it's a federal offense to put the president through a spanking machine on his birthday. the first lady got him a brand new pair of her jeans for his birthday. but what do you get for the man who has oprah, you know? white house secretary robert gibbs was asked yesterday how the president would be spending
his birthday. it sounded like there was no fun planned at all. >> the senate democrats will come down to the white house tomorrow and have lunch here with the president. um, and as the president's birthday, chuck e. cheese was booked. and do you know who booked it? that guy right there. it's impossible to get him out of the house. meanwhile, former president bill clinton is on his way home from north korea right now. he made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female american journalist, two young, shapely, attractive journalists who were imprisoned by north korean police after they illegally crossed the border from china. i don't know what he said to kim jong il, but it worked because they released them. and i have to say it was nice to see bill clinton get a release he's not impeached for for a
change. right? [ laughter ] the rumor is they made a deal. kim jong il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of hillary's pantsuits. so a little something to spruce up his wardrobe. [ laughter ] so that's pretty impressive. he frees the prisoners and brings them back. that's like rambo. by the way, now plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home. and may god help any nation that tries to kidnap megan fox! one thing i noticed from the pictures of the trip, check this out. here's kim jong il. seated there. and here's mahmoud our members only jacket of iran, the only uniform of the psyche coe pathic leader is the zip-up. see, they should all be deported. this something, because of the
economy, the postal service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. the postal service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. in addition, they're raising the price of a first-class stamp. it will now be $4,000. [ laughter ] and it's a shame to see people out of work, but i have to admit i am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. right? [ laughter ] this weekend, x games 15 took place here in los angeles. the gold medal women, it's called the super x, went to ashley, who has been deaf since birth. and it was pretty cool to see her win and even cooler to see kristen garrett attempt to interview her after the event. >> all right, ashley, i saw a sign that said patterns and you got the mistake that you wanted. how does this gold medal feel?
>> it's awesome right now. >> i want to look at the mic move again. how does this feel in her face, and he just pulls -- oh, go over right over. in fairness, there's a lot of pot smoking at the games. and jon and kate returned to television last night. the show continues even though jon and kate do not, and i saw this on the internet, people are selling team kate and team jon t-shirts. you can publicly pick a side which is nice. i'm selling a t-shirt. i'm on team who cares? it looks -- >> you look great. that's good. >> so far we're outselling the other two combined by about nine to one. this is an interesting theme. the mozart foundation has announced two long unidentified
pieces of music were written by mozart when he was 7 years old. one of the pieces is called -- which in english means you're not the boss of me. the announced news in salts burg on sunday and where an austrian pianist performed it on his own piano. >> researchers have unveiled two piano pieces recently identified as childhood creations by the legendary composer. ♪ book and it's believed it was written when he was 6, 7 or 8 years old. >> perhaps the finest admission ever. yesterday here in l.a. michael
jackson's mother katherine was awarded permanent custody of the three children. one strange thing, her husband joe jackson -- this is true, signed a statement that said he only visits the house occasionally and will not be involved in raising the kids. he will only stop by when he needs a new pencil to draw in his new eyes and mustache. this is like dracula signing a statement not to promise to bite necks. they want to change the youngest boy's blanket's name. they want to change it to slanket. they have an endorsement deal -- that's not true. not everything surrounding the jackson family is strange, but this is odd. this is the way that the court decided to award custody. tell me if this seems unusual to you. >> custody of michael jackson's three children was granted today at a los angeles courthouse. after carefully reviewing the details of the case, superior
court judge went for the wheel of custody. and the legal guardian is -- katherine jackson. katherine jackson takes home all three children and a stuffed pooh. congratulations to katherine jackson. [ applause ] >> i don't know. i had to whack a mole like 700 times to get my kids. michael jackson's super fan jake first -- jake byrd found his way to the custody hearing. >> the jackson hearing attracted a comedian. >> nice job, you nailed it. >> take a couple more questions. >> the trial of the century. >> if you're a fan of the "jimmy kimmel live," you'll notice the
heckler at the o.j. simpson trial as well as when paris hilton was released from jail. >> he's not a heckler, he's a fan. and on the show tonight, ashton kutcher is here. we have music from the script. and when we come back, jake byrd at the jackson custody hearing, we'll be right back. - ( microphone feedback ) - whoa. hi, i'm john. all: hi, john! going to college and need a laptop. what do you got? you, in the top corner. our next class laptops could be perfect for you. we got student feedback and designed them specifically for college. are they legit brands, though? boom! we partnered with hp, toshiba, sony and dell. okay. uh, what's the square root of 841? 29. announcer: laptops designed for college and thousands of people eager to help.
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♪ hi there. we're back. with us, actor, producer, twitterer, his new movie "spread" opens august 14. ashton kutcher is here. then later on, they just spent three nights opening for paul mccartney in new york and for u2 too. they are currently on tour of the united states. this is their self-titled debut album, from dublin, which is in ireland, music from the script. tomorrow we'll be joined by vanessa hudgens, eli roth, and mike snow. and later this week, sienna miller, rachel nichols, dave salmoni and his wild animals, do they have to be wild?
can't we have some nice, pleasant animals here for a change? doug benson and quentin tarantino. so join us then. if you pay close attention to celebrity court proceedings, and i do, you're probably familiar with jake byrd. jake is celebrity supporter and he was michael jackson's number one fan. we first met him years ago outside the michael jackson trial in santa maria. then he started popping up at places like the paris hilton sentencing. wherever there are video cameras >> we ruled that we're remanding paris hilton to serve out the remainder of her sentence -- >> no, no, no! >> and that's jake. and then at the second o.j. trial. >> we expect mr. simpson to be process and released very quickly. >> yes! >> so whenever there are video cameras around and famous people on trial or whatever, jake byrd is there.
so when the ravenous news media descended to feast on this custody hearing for michael jackson's three kids yesterday, jake byrd of course was there. >> i know that michael had a difficult and tumultuous with his father, i'm not sure if that will go to his children. >> the little girl is named after paris hilton and her new dad is joe jackson. win win baby. [ laughter ] >> i don't know if it would be good for raising three kids right now. >> but she has joe jackson as a helper and if joe jackson is able to sprinkle his talent dust on them, his belt is going to end up in the rock and roll hall of fame. >> joe jackson ruined the first family, he doesn't need another
one. thank you. >> exactly. >> i assume based on that she hasn't had much -- >> let me tell you something. can i interrupt for a second. >> go a45ed. >> michael jackson, he meant a lot to a lot of people. >> exactly. ron artest said it best. michael, michael, you're my ninja. that's the secret of being a good ninja. that's how he lost his nose, a ninja fight. >> he'll be missed. >> a lot of the media circus isn't going to bring michael jackson back. we need a good old fashioned seance. >> muhammad ali is next. unfortunately. >> look at the tropical fish store. she's not a pretty mermaid fish, but a marble headed -- debbie rowe. imagine those kids going to practice every day.
>> i don't know. i think that's kind of obnoxious. she's not ugly. >> no, no, she's hideous. [ laughter ] >> i think it's a very -- >> oh, my god, i love your braces. look at her! where are you from? you are so funny! [ laughter ] >> sounds good! sounds good. now beat it. >> that person who is most deserving of custody is katherine jackson. >> she's getting custody. baby. >> i'm going to work. ♪ ♪ i've got to go. [ bleep ] out of here! >> custody, custody, custody! custody, custody, custody! >> free the jackson three!
free the jackson three! >> jake -- >> jake what? >> jake byrd. >> it is fun to be a cop? >> it is. >> can i play with your guns? >> not today. [ laughter ] >> you don't take meditation -- medication, do you? >> i wish. >> nothing prescribed, anyway. >> we have a couple people from the media that said you have interrupted press conferences before and have you done that? >> i haven't interrupted press conferences, but i have been at press conferences. they never want to talk to me because i'm michael jackson's number one fan. >> from nbc news, this is "today." >> today's results, 5 1/2 weeks after the tragic death of michael jackson, eliminates uncertainty and offers some stability to the lives of the children. >> this is a fox 11 news at
noon. >> i want to applaud debbie rowe. she's faced difficulty and pressures none of us know. >> this is the channel 4 news at 11:00. >> today's agreement shows she responded with heart, integrity and selflessness. thank you very much. >> joe -- >> no further questions, no further questions. hell no debbie rowe! >> get out of here! [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. jake byrd. jake, once again, you wound up in the middle of -- jake jake jake, once again you wound up in the middle of the press conference. >> did you is see that on the news? >> we saw the whole thing on the news. >> you saw it? >> i was making big yellow, show it again. >> do you think big justice was shown at the courthouse? >> i think so.
they gave michael jackson's kids to the grandmother. i could never live with my grandmother because she always give us dietic candy and she's dead. >> how many of the jacksons have you met? >> freddy and joe jackson, but it turned out it was a white english guy. >> and of michael's kids, do you have a favorite of the three children? >> yes. easy, paris. no no, prince, prince too. blanket. no, no, i'm going to go with the norwegian love child am aerois a. >> well, jake, you have done it again. thank you again for coming. great to have you here. >> thanks for having me. >> jake byrd, the number one michael jackson fan. we'll be right back with ashton kutcher.
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his latest movie "spread" with anne heche hits select theaters on august 14. please welcome ashton kutcher. [ cheers and applause ] great. here, that's a talk show no no, ashton. if i don't have this card i don't know what your name is. how are you doing? >> i'm good. >> are you twittering right now as we speak? >> i maneuver in my pocket and make it send tweets. are you upset with me? >> not at all. >> you didn't come by the dressing room. i felt like why didn't he come by? >> i never say go by and say hello. i rarely -- >> now you like me less? >> i think you're confusing me with leno. >> no, i'm not. >> i think it's weird to go say hello and then we have to -- >> then we have to fake hello out here.
>> it's like a weird thing. >> i've got that. i have a friend of mine that wants to go on a date with you. >> is it a guy? >> no it's a girl. she's funny, she's smart and she's got good boobs. >> she's got to be weird up there. >> she told me to tell owe. i'm putting it out there. >> twitter about it. now i'm embarrassed. well, thank you. thank you. did you tell her good things about me? >> she already was into you, man. i saw her night. she was like, you have to tell him. i don't know. could be a good thing. >> you could be my pimp. you could funnel women to me. that could be a great thing for me. now that you're married. pass it along. [ laughter ] i see you talking about this twitter. i have seen you on oprah and larry king. you don't make any money. shouldn't they be paying you for this? >> yes.
>> yes, they should. >> they should. >> have you been offered -- >> they keep talking about this company being worth $500 million and i'm like, i want half. like give me something. >> you've done one of the dumbest things ever. you have gone on a media blitz for somebody that you're not getting paid by at all. >> i know. >> you would never do that with another company. >> but, you know, what the thing is, i like it because i get to connect with like people and collaborate with a large group of people. i think it's fun. i have to make stuff and like -- you know, i was doing a movie, right? we had a scene we were working on and we were trying to come up with a joke. we had the writers coming up with stuff. nothing was ridge -- ringing. i went on twitter and said, give me a joke for this scene. here's the scene. they gave me 5,000 jokes that were amazing. like i tried a bunch of them. i did 20 different takes and we'll see.
maybe one of the jokes ends up in the movie. >> you could do a whole movie which lines written by -- >> that's what i was thinking. jimmy, like we could do -- like we could do this. like we could actually do a movie and we'd like collaborate it with the people on -- >> collabr-writing. >> i'm making stuff up in my head. >> when you have all those followers, let's say people send you one message a month, that's three million -- >> so i probably get about ten -- maybe like -- probably like two to 3,000 at replies a day. i'm just guessing. i probably skim through half of them and respond to about, you know, 5% of them or something like that. i got on to follow -- there were a couple of cool people that were doing interesting things in the tech world that i was interested in.
there's like this -- kevin rose, runs this thing called dig that i wanted to check out. there's a guy jason who had a company i wanted to check out. i was following tech crunch on there and a bunch of different people. i wanted to see what they were doing and how they were using the tool. and then people started to follow me and it got a little silly. but, you know, the cool thing is that we have been able to use it to build campaigns. we did a thing for feeding america where kellogg's gave $10 million worth of product to feeding america to fill the food banks. >> this is why the country is so fat, because of you. >> well, those are for people that don't get to eat because -- >> i see what you're saying. that makes more sense. >> the fat people gave the skinny people more food, we could all just eat. >> yeah. yeah. >> like we could solve obesity and human hunger at the same time. >> you're right. you're right, but try getting a pizza out of my hand.
good luck. >> likewide. i'm not giving up my pizza either. >> you just did an action hero. is this the first? >> yeah. it was my first. it was awesome. >> what's awesome about that? >> i try to do as much of the stunt stuff as i can. >> me too. >> i see you out here. you like walk from here, walk out here, then you walk around. >> that door doesn't open itself. >> you talk to people. i don't know. you've got to avoid all these chairs and stuff. it's -- [ laughter ] but i did this thing. i started to do like training for it. getting -- i really got -- my character was like -- my director asked me to take an amalgamation of different martial arts and sort of form my own craft. so i started to take mcgraw and then i started to train with the national champion in france, and then i started learning some like filipino knife fighting
stuff. it's like sort of a motion -- and then i got on set and, you know when you're training with a guy, he's got gloves and i'm doing a scene with a stunt guy. and i knocked the guy out, like accidentally. it was like a bet. i said -- like i'm embarrassed. i knocked a big dude out. this guy was like 250, like a big guy. and i mean, i didn't mean to knock him out. but he like threw -- we were on a yacht and it's like going like this. i threw this weird crazy back kick in the air and then he goes to throw a punch and i block it and then i knuckle -- it all happened so fast. i wasn't used to practicing stuff, i was practicing like the real fight. so i accidentally really -- >> you punched a man in the face and he knocked him out cold? >> one punch could knock the dude out. i'm sitting -- >> hold on. i'm seeing it on usc. if you hit a guy in the right
spot, we could do it right now. >> let's not. let's not. >> but the dude just went and was like -- >> really? >> yeah. i kept going with the scene. i knew i grazed him. i didn't know i hit him hard. i put him in a choke hold and he was heavier than -- >> was he mad. >> he was knocked out and then he got up and wobbled and then we went to lunch. i was like -- >> wow, there's great. have you gotten that on videotape for yourself to watch? >> i watch it on a loop. i watch it. >> you know what i've always wanted to do? sneak up to somebody, grab their neck and just kill them. like -- like jack bauer does, you know? i don't think it works. [ laughter ] so mind your p's and q's is what i'm saying here. we'll take a break and when we come back, if you ever wanted to see ashton naked for a full hour
and a half, we have the movie for you. called "spread", opens in select cities on august 14. more with ashton after this. irr. and then there are the indicator-light warning, radar-sensor-linking, blind-spot-penetrating side mirrors of the all-new ford taurus. so what doesn't show up in your mirror, can still show up on your mirror. we speak car. we speak innovation. introducing the all-new taurus from ford. drive one. nivea's first 3-in-1 shower...shampoo...and shave. it's almost everything men need for grooming... almost. new active 3 from nivea for men. what men want.
hi, there, we are back with ashton cou ashton kutcher. still to come, music from the script. how long have you and demi been married now? >> we have been together for six years, been married for four. >> four years. [ cheers and applause ] and does she get annoyed with all this communicating with three million people all the time? >> no she's got 1.5 million on her twitter account. we both do it together. >> so you never have to actually speak to each other like at a meal or something? >> no we tweet each other. it makes it easier in some respects. >> because you were actually filming yourself for your twitter account while riding a motorcycle. >> yeah. >> which doesn't seem like a great idea. but let's look at the clip here. >> here you are, on your motorcycle. >> yes. >> now this is okay. but this not okay right here.
yeah. that's no good at all. why would you do something like that? and what kind of an example is that for your teenage step children -- >> i didn't come out here to get accosted. >> you're in this movie with anne heche and tell everybody what your character is. >> i play a social sexual grifter. you know, i kind of sleep with women, just so i have a place to live, a place to stay. sexy. >> i saw the movie. you did a very good job in it. there's a lot of nudity in the film. >> yeah. >> a great deal of nudity. >> yeah. >> in fact, i recall you're serving like -- >> breakfast -- pantless. >> with no pants on. >> yeah. >> anne heche is naked through the whole thing. >> yeah. she's cute, smart, funny. >> she looks fantastic. >> your type.
>> i think she's probably everybody's type. >> you know, ann is amazing. ann is incredible in this movie. like i was so privileged to work with her. i also produced the movie, so that was like -- that was -- >> is that right? >> yeah, it's interesting. i was doing all the nude scenes where i was naked and having sex and i got a sock and rubber band on the business, right? tell them to try to move carafe service when you're standing there with that. maybe we should move the shot around. try to get people to take you seriously when you're standing there naked with a sock and a rubber band. you don't have much authority as a producer. >> are there people like this guy that you play -- are there guys in hollywood that make their living -- >> i think there are. there's an age where women don't need a guy to financially support them. they can get go get a great job and be paid well and have a house and -- >> and have little hooker boys
on the side. >> think about it. dudes have been doing this forever. hook up with a girl and i think women are at a point now and have been for a while where they have play things and my character is kind of a play thing. >> i would like to be a play thing. wouldn't you like to be play thing, uncle frank? >> yeah, i really want to hang out with him. >> my man -- my man -- >> when i get older i want to be like him in real life. when i get older. >> all right, uncle frank. all right. look at you. >> my man, uncle frank. >> so let's take a look at a clip. i think you need to set it up a little bit. >> this is a clip where -- oh, yeah. >> you're giving some words of wisdom in a way, your character. >> yeah. my character, so i've hooked up with anne heche's character and she's letting me stay in her house now, which is my character's goal. then i have a girl come by who was sort of an ex. and my character really is trying to hook up with her too. >> take a look, a clip from the
new movie "spread", opens august 14. >> tell me what you think. >> you can tell me. i mean, not like you're getting any from me. >> when a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting shop. >> mm-hmm. what do you tell these women? >> look. why do you care? >> um, when you call my lonely and miserable in ten years, i can tell you exactly how you got there. >> there you go. ashton kutcher's. what's her name? >> rachel blanchard. >> opens in select cities august 14. ashton kutcher, everybody. we'll be right back with music from the script.
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♪ hi, we're back with ashton kutcher. you can see him tomorrow at the el rey theater. this is their self-titled debut cd. here with the song "breakeven", from dublin, ireland, the script. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing ♪ ♪ just prayed to a god that i don't believe in ♪ ♪ 'cause i got time while she got freedom ♪ ♪ 'cause when a heartbreaks, no, it don't breakeven ♪
♪ her best days will be some of my worst ♪ ♪ she finally met a man that's gonna put her first ♪ ♪ while i'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping ♪ ♪ 'cause when a heartbreaks, no, it don't breakeven ♪ ♪ even, even, no what am i supposed to do ♪ ♪ when the best part of me was always you ♪ ♪ and what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're okay ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces, yeah ♪ i'm falling to pieces they say bad things happen for a reason ♪ ♪ but not wise words gonna stop the bleeding ♪ ♪ 'cause she's moved on while i'm still grieving ♪
♪ and when a heartbreaks no, it don't breakeven even, even no, oh ♪ ♪ what am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you ♪ ♪ what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're okay ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces, yeah i'm falling to pieces, yeah ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces ♪ i'm falling to pieces one still in love while the other one's leaving ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces 'cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't breakeven ♪ ♪ you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain ♪ ♪ you took your suitcase, i took the blame ♪ ♪ now i'm tryin' to make sense of what little remains ♪ ♪ 'cause you left me with no love ♪
♪ and no love to my name i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing ♪ ♪ just prayed to a god that i don't believe in ♪ ♪ 'cause i got time while she got freedom ♪ ♪ 'cause when a heartbreaks no, it don't break, no, it don't break, no, it don't breakeven ♪ ♪ what am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you ♪ ♪ what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're okay ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces i'm falling to pieces ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces one still in love while the other one's leaving ♪ ♪ i'm falling to pieces 'cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't breakeven ♪